So, I'm having a bit of a blog-identity crisis.
I don't feel that I've kept with the original purpose of this blog, and so when I sit down to write I start feeling all sorts of anxieties and things that try influencing what I post or how it will come out. Some of it has to do with other blogs I read and how they rub off on me, some of it has to do with what I think other people expect of me, some of it has to do what I expect of myself, and some of it has to do with how I'm feeling in general.
Maybe it's my own identity crisis.
I remember a saying on the wall of a high school English class, right next to the plaque that read "Eschew Obfuscation," but that's beside the point. This other wall hanging read:
I AM
WHAT I THINK
OTHERS THINK
I AM
I don't know who first said this, but it has plagued me for years because I often feel that I fit this description perfectly. I say plagued, because whenever I fall victim to other people's opinions of me (good or bad), whenever I feel like I am just playing a part to fit in or to keep up appearances, or whenever I listen to the voices inside my head that tell me I have no personality of my own, no original ideas, and that I am just a sad imitation of those whom I admire... this saying comes to mind.
I mean, have you ever had someone ask you if you're feeling sick, or if you've been crying, and suddenly you really do feel sick, or your eyes start welling up even though you're not sad in the least? It's like being a victim of the force. Please tell me I'm not the only one this happens to.
To explain this phenomena, aside from the inference that I'm a mindless twit that can be easily swayed by the merest suggestion, when someone asks me if I've been crying --which I rarely do, (okay, rarely did before I had three pregnancies) I suddenly start wracking my brain to think of reasons they would think this and feel sorry for myself, or else I start think of reasons I might have to cry (whether real or imagined) and that inevitably makes get teary-eyed, or sometimes I'm simply touched that someone would go out of their way to ask me something personal, so I start crying. Makes sense right?
Don't answer that.
So on my mission, soon after arriving in the country and meeting my Mission
President for the first time, he interviewed me to get to know me a bit and assigned me a companion (probably not on the spot, I'm sure he had decided previously and was just seeking confirmation). I don't know what my MTC teachers had told him about me, and I do believe he was working on inspiration for the most part, but in the course of our conversation he labeled me as "bold" and told me that he was putting me with a sister who was meek and timid and could use someone to help her be more bold.
Me? Bold?!
Now, I may have been outspoken and tactless at times, and perhaps even a little stubborn, but that does not equal bold. I was anything but bold, especially when it came to sharing the Gospel --which honestly terrified me --especially in a foreign language!
But, bold he thought I was, and so bold I became. Not always in the best ways mind you --I think I bowled her over and nearly drove her insane. Poor sweet sister. She didn't know what to do with me. I told the elders off, I repeated offensive phrases I had learned to old men who hit on me, and I flatly refused to make phone calls until I could understand what the person was saying on the other end. Yeah, I was that kind of trainee.
On the other hand, when paired with a companion who the President mentioned was "another red-head" (in the stereotypical sense of the word) and that he thought it might prove interesting (although I didn't consider myself a red-head --maybe auburn or chestnut, but not red), I found that my brand of "boldness" to be useful in not letting her push me around, keeping her out of trouble with the elders (yeah, she was that kind of sister), plus it motivated me to learn the language better soshe couldn't do all the talking ...er, I mean, so I could explain what she was really trying to say. I was paired with her three separate times on my mission, and I truly believe that if I hadn't been my "bold" self, she wouldn't have finished out her mission.
Despite my inner conviction that I wasn't bold, just stubborn, I did however come to recognize how the Mission President's view of me hadn't been so far off after all. Less than half way into my mission, a new companion and I met with a girl we had only taught once before (actually another companion taught her while I took care of a drunk guy in the lobby but that's a whole other story). She had come to see a baptism of another investigator, and afterwards we had our second discussion. Things were going so well, and as I bore my testimony I felt inspired to invite her to be baptized. She said "yes" and we set a date and she was baptized four weeks later. She was what we call "golden." I didn't think much of it, since it happened so naturally, but later after my mission I learned that an elder who was present at that meeting had written to my parents to say how impressed he was with my boldness. And it hit me. Either my mission president had been right all along, or I became that way because that's what was expected of me. Either way, that's who I was.
Sorry, where was I going with this? Oh yeah.
I remember writing in my mission journal how much I felt I changed with each companion. Some were meek, so I was loud, some were pushy, so I was stubborn, some were cool, so I was nerdy, others were nerdy, and well, I was still nerdy. Some were shy so I took charge, some were beautiful and I the ugly duckling, some were troubled and I was calm, some were old and well... okay so I couldn't blame being young on my personality fluctuations, but perhaps my own immaturity was more apparent, I don't know. I wondered to myself if choosing an eternal companion would be essentially choosing my eternal identity. There was hardly any consistency to the roles I played, although looking at this list, it may seem that mostly I was just contrary, and perhaps I was but not in the negative sense of the word. Still, I felt a little lost as to who I really was. I couldn't so easily label myself one particular thing as others could. Was I being insincere or dishonest? Was I not being real or authentic? I don't believe so.
Then I realized, that that is who I am. I am the person people need me to be! I am the friendly one when someone needs a friend, I am the creative one when others are out of ideas, I am the calm one when others are worried, I am the bold one when others are timid.
It's true that I wasn't always my best self, and my fluctuations included times of low self-esteem, but doesn't that happen to everyone?
I'm not always just the opposite of others either (--although I try to avoid the awkwardness or competition associated with being too similar or taking on the same roles). In high school I fit in with many different people. I was on the soccer team, and hung out with the sporty types, I was in band and choir and drama, I was a photographer on the yearbook staff, participated in the Russian club and loved AP Chemistry. My best friends were sterling scholars, art royalty, and and student body officers. Overall, my friends were intelligent, kind, hard working and fun. I hung out with them because I admired them, I appreciated them, I hoped I was like them. And to some extent I was. However, at graduation the truth came out. So many of my friends were surprised to discover that I didn't graduate with honors or high honors. I even had one well meaning friend comment, "you forgot your cords," and although I was flattered, it kinda stung as I had to explain. I believe that I was just as intelligent as them, but intelligence doesn't matter much if you're secretly lazy. It made me resent my diploma in the end. Still, I was grateful for my ability to connect with many different kinds of people, and although I never stood out in any way, no one ever felt threatened by me and I was never the target of any unkindness. It suited me well.
When I got to college, I did well, but I was indecisive about majors. The voices in my head said it was because I didn't know who I was, or because I wasn't good enough at any one thing to succeed. It made me feel inferior to people who seemed to have direction and purpose and knew exactly what they wanted to do. It made me feel like I had no "personality" when I had to explain that I was just a General Education major (...and we all know that girls majoring in General Ed at any Church school are just planning on getting their MRS degree right?). I felt like if I could at least say I majored in Liberal Arts, it would sound better, but they didn't technically have that major at BYU-I by name. The real problem was that I had too many interests, and I felt if I chose one, that meant leaving all the others behind. I went from major to major; Music, English, Psychology, Biology, Education, with minors in P.E., Art, Photography, Child Development, etc. I even considered transferring to BYU-Provo and majoring in Geneology... but then I met my husband, got married, and soon my credit limit was up (for those of you who don't know, Church schools are too in demand to let you stay around very long, so once you reach a certain number of credits you have to petition to stay, graduate, or move on), so I graduated in "University Studies." Could that be any more ambiguous?
Over the years though, I've come to realize that however directionless my academic record may seem, however little qualified it makes me for any specific career, I feel that nothing could have prepared me better for my present occupation as a mother and homemaker.
So I guess my point is this. That who you are is who you are. Whether outside influences affect how you act, and regardless of what people think of you or expect from you, you're still you. Is a chameleon not a chameleon just because it changes its color? No. And it doesn't mean that a mottled one is confused or being dishonest or unauthentic either. It's just doing it's thing.
Okay so that was a long tangent to get to where I was going. Hope I didn't obfuscate too much :).
I was talking about the identity of my blog.
So what if my blog is sometimes a travelogue? So what if it sometimes resembles a craft or cooking blog but isn't really? Who cares if sometimes I am poignant, and other times sarcastic? What does it matter if sometimes I have beautiful pictures I took myself and sometimes pirated images from google? Will people be bored if I write about myself, my life, my kids? Will they stop reading if I quote scripture or share my opinions about controversial topics? Do I care if I am shunned from blogging groups because my blog can't fit neatly into any specific category? Is it a problem that I love comments but write it more for myself than anyone else? Does it mean my blog is lame if I never have any more than 4 followers?
I think not.
It may not be what anyone expects, but this blog is mine, and it is what it is.
I guess I've overcome my blog identity-crisis.
I really should start blogging more, and think less about what others think.
President for the first time, he interviewed me to get to know me a bit and assigned me a companion (probably not on the spot, I'm sure he had decided previously and was just seeking confirmation). I don't know what my MTC teachers had told him about me, and I do believe he was working on inspiration for the most part, but in the course of our conversation he labeled me as "bold" and told me that he was putting me with a sister who was meek and timid and could use someone to help her be more bold.
Me? Bold?!
Now, I may have been outspoken and tactless at times, and perhaps even a little stubborn, but that does not equal bold. I was anything but bold, especially when it came to sharing the Gospel --which honestly terrified me --especially in a foreign language!
But, bold he thought I was, and so bold I became. Not always in the best ways mind you --I think I bowled her over and nearly drove her insane. Poor sweet sister. She didn't know what to do with me. I told the elders off, I repeated offensive phrases I had learned to old men who hit on me, and I flatly refused to make phone calls until I could understand what the person was saying on the other end. Yeah, I was that kind of trainee.
On the other hand, when paired with a companion who the President mentioned was "another red-head" (in the stereotypical sense of the word) and that he thought it might prove interesting (although I didn't consider myself a red-head --maybe auburn or chestnut, but not red), I found that my brand of "boldness" to be useful in not letting her push me around, keeping her out of trouble with the elders (yeah, she was that kind of sister), plus it motivated me to learn the language better so
Despite my inner conviction that I wasn't bold, just stubborn, I did however come to recognize how the Mission President's view of me hadn't been so far off after all. Less than half way into my mission, a new companion and I met with a girl we had only taught once before (actually another companion taught her while I took care of a drunk guy in the lobby but that's a whole other story). She had come to see a baptism of another investigator, and afterwards we had our second discussion. Things were going so well, and as I bore my testimony I felt inspired to invite her to be baptized. She said "yes" and we set a date and she was baptized four weeks later. She was what we call "golden." I didn't think much of it, since it happened so naturally, but later after my mission I learned that an elder who was present at that meeting had written to my parents to say how impressed he was with my boldness. And it hit me. Either my mission president had been right all along, or I became that way because that's what was expected of me. Either way, that's who I was.
Sorry, where was I going with this? Oh yeah.
I remember writing in my mission journal how much I felt I changed with each companion. Some were meek, so I was loud, some were pushy, so I was stubborn, some were cool, so I was nerdy, others were nerdy, and well, I was still nerdy. Some were shy so I took charge, some were beautiful and I the ugly duckling, some were troubled and I was calm, some were old and well... okay so I couldn't blame being young on my personality fluctuations, but perhaps my own immaturity was more apparent, I don't know. I wondered to myself if choosing an eternal companion would be essentially choosing my eternal identity. There was hardly any consistency to the roles I played, although looking at this list, it may seem that mostly I was just contrary, and perhaps I was but not in the negative sense of the word. Still, I felt a little lost as to who I really was. I couldn't so easily label myself one particular thing as others could. Was I being insincere or dishonest? Was I not being real or authentic? I don't believe so.
Then I realized, that that is who I am. I am the person people need me to be! I am the friendly one when someone needs a friend, I am the creative one when others are out of ideas, I am the calm one when others are worried, I am the bold one when others are timid.
It's true that I wasn't always my best self, and my fluctuations included times of low self-esteem, but doesn't that happen to everyone?
I'm not always just the opposite of others either (--although I try to avoid the awkwardness or competition associated with being too similar or taking on the same roles). In high school I fit in with many different people. I was on the soccer team, and hung out with the sporty types, I was in band and choir and drama, I was a photographer on the yearbook staff, participated in the Russian club and loved AP Chemistry. My best friends were sterling scholars, art royalty, and and student body officers. Overall, my friends were intelligent, kind, hard working and fun. I hung out with them because I admired them, I appreciated them, I hoped I was like them. And to some extent I was. However, at graduation the truth came out. So many of my friends were surprised to discover that I didn't graduate with honors or high honors. I even had one well meaning friend comment, "you forgot your cords," and although I was flattered, it kinda stung as I had to explain. I believe that I was just as intelligent as them, but intelligence doesn't matter much if you're secretly lazy. It made me resent my diploma in the end. Still, I was grateful for my ability to connect with many different kinds of people, and although I never stood out in any way, no one ever felt threatened by me and I was never the target of any unkindness. It suited me well.
When I got to college, I did well, but I was indecisive about majors. The voices in my head said it was because I didn't know who I was, or because I wasn't good enough at any one thing to succeed. It made me feel inferior to people who seemed to have direction and purpose and knew exactly what they wanted to do. It made me feel like I had no "personality" when I had to explain that I was just a General Education major (...and we all know that girls majoring in General Ed at any Church school are just planning on getting their MRS degree right?). I felt like if I could at least say I majored in Liberal Arts, it would sound better, but they didn't technically have that major at BYU-I by name. The real problem was that I had too many interests, and I felt if I chose one, that meant leaving all the others behind. I went from major to major; Music, English, Psychology, Biology, Education, with minors in P.E., Art, Photography, Child Development, etc. I even considered transferring to BYU-Provo and majoring in Geneology... but then I met my husband, got married, and soon my credit limit was up (for those of you who don't know, Church schools are too in demand to let you stay around very long, so once you reach a certain number of credits you have to petition to stay, graduate, or move on), so I graduated in "University Studies." Could that be any more ambiguous?
Over the years though, I've come to realize that however directionless my academic record may seem, however little qualified it makes me for any specific career, I feel that nothing could have prepared me better for my present occupation as a mother and homemaker.
So I guess my point is this. That who you are is who you are. Whether outside influences affect how you act, and regardless of what people think of you or expect from you, you're still you. Is a chameleon not a chameleon just because it changes its color? No. And it doesn't mean that a mottled one is confused or being dishonest or unauthentic either. It's just doing it's thing.
Okay so that was a long tangent to get to where I was going. Hope I didn't obfuscate too much :).
I was talking about the identity of my blog.
So what if my blog is sometimes a travelogue? So what if it sometimes resembles a craft or cooking blog but isn't really? Who cares if sometimes I am poignant, and other times sarcastic? What does it matter if sometimes I have beautiful pictures I took myself and sometimes pirated images from google? Will people be bored if I write about myself, my life, my kids? Will they stop reading if I quote scripture or share my opinions about controversial topics? Do I care if I am shunned from blogging groups because my blog can't fit neatly into any specific category? Is it a problem that I love comments but write it more for myself than anyone else? Does it mean my blog is lame if I never have any more than 4 followers?
I think not.
It may not be what anyone expects, but this blog is mine, and it is what it is.
I guess I've overcome my blog identity-crisis.
I really should start blogging more, and think less about what others think.
