So I've had a lot of thoughts running around in my head lately. One of which was that I should blog about something... but what? I haven't done anything grand lately, I haven't even had any earth-shakingly inspiring thoughts lately, and for some reason I had it in my mind that I shouldn't post unless I had something cool to show or to say. Then I realized how ridiculous that is, and that got me thinking.
A few Sundays ago in our R.S. meeting, the teacher started out her lesson with a discussion about perfectionism vs. striving for perfection. I am somewhat acquainted with perfectionism, and have seen first-hand how it can negatively affect a person as well as those around them. The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines perfectionism as "a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable; especially :the setting of unrealistically demanding goals accompanied by a disposition to regard failure to achieve them as unacceptable and a sign of personal worthlessness." On the other hand, in his talk to the women of the Church (of course it was to the women, because we all need this so badly) President Uchtdorf stated, "Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. It’s wonderful that you have strengths. And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses. God wants to help us to eventually turn all of our weaknesses into strengths, but He knows that this is a long-term goal. He wants us to become perfect, and if we stay on the path of discipleship, one day we will. It’s OK that you’re not quite there yet. Keep working on it, and stop punishing yourself."
Wise words.
When you contrast the definition of perfectionism with President Uchtdorf's words --which is pretty much what the Church is really all about: striving for perfection-- it is obvious how the adversary has twisted an originally good thing, and the erroneous and irrational thinking of perfectionism couldn't be more plain. I also believe that feeling that anything or anyone is worthless is not very Christlike.
A while ago, as I was doing some self-evaluation and wondering if a mid-course correction was in order (which it was, but that's a subject for another day) I came across this little jewel. It's an interview with a person whom I greatly admire, and who also happens to be the former President of the Relief Society. She talks about what she does with her free time, and answers a few questions about leisure activities in general ...including blogging. Coming from a church leader in a religion that encourages constantly being "anxiously engaged in a good cause"(D&C 58:27) I was very interested in what she had to say. If you have a half hour, listen to the whole thing, if you only have a few minutes, click here and here to hear what she says about blogging specifically.
Basically, it made me start thinking more seriously about what I put on my blog, along with how much time I take to write posts as well as browse the internet and other blogs I like to follow.
I've decided that blogging for me, is a two edged sword. I do like reading uplifting blogs that give me great ideas and encourage me as a mother. I like writing and getting things out of my head, feeling a little more connected to the outside world and possibly having something to contribute. However, sometimes I can tell its not good for me, especially when I go overboard and use it as an escape from unpleasant tasks at hand (like dishes and laundry). Despite my tendency to avoid housework, I find that it's not just the time it takes, but the toll it takes on my self-esteem and my own sense of well being --because when it comes to blogging and reading other people's blogs (or pinterest --which I'm actually not subscribed to but I check out once in a while, and if I were on facebook, which I'm not, it would also be on this list) I often find myself consumed with both the desire to be everything, and do everything I see, as well feeling very discouraged about who I am and how little I am usually able to actually accomplish along with everything I have to do on a day-to-day basis (basically comparing my worsts to their bests). When I feel this happening I have to stop and remind myself to be realistic. (Personally, I like to think horrid things about what's not shown in those oh-so-perfect pictures to make myself feel better. I'm not condoning that of course... *ahem*)
Anyway, it got me to thinking about how my blog might come across to others, and if I in any way could possibly be making anyone else out there feel bad about themselves. Now, I flatter myself here by assuming that anyone would be impressed by anything on my little blog --but perhaps I could set a precedent for all bloggers and pinterest-ers out there anyway.
I confess that my childhood, while teaching me many things about the value of hard work and doing things right, also left me with a need to keep up appearances. I'm sure that wasn't what my parents were trying to teach me when we'd run around frantically cleaning the house if word came that guests were to arrive soon, but you can see how I might have got that impression. When I do that, my husband may roll his eyes, but kindly humors me, probably thankful for whatever motivation can get me to finally clean the house. So it's no surprise that sometimes when I take a picture for my blog, I discreetly shove things out of the way first so that my house appears to have some semblance of order. I don't mean to be dishonest, but who wants to see my dirty laundry? Besides, if I'm really striving for the ideal can't I pretend I've reached it once in a while? There's nothing wrong with that, right? Of course my ideal is a home free of clutter and where my kids pick up after themselves, the dishes are always done immediately after meals, and my counters and floors are spotless, etc. etc. etc... yeah, okay so I realize it's a bit unrealistic. However I still cling to the hopes that it could be possible. When company comes --through nothing less than super-heroic efforts-- I can usually make the impossible happen (for at least a day or two), thus reinforcing that belief that the ideal can actually exist. Even my mother (no offense mom) believed it was possible, and yet in 30 years I have never seen it realized for an extended period of time. I know there are people out there who really do know how to make it happen, but so far I haven't learned the secret.
Is it hopeless then? Well, I don't know that letting go of my hopes and giving up would help anything, (well maybe a bit less anxiety perhaps), and I still think that my (however irrational) need to clean the house before company comes is a good, hospitable, thing to do... And honestly if I can't muster the intrinsic motivation to reach my goals I might as well make the most of whatever bit of pride gives me some extrinsic motivation to get things done.
Although I never thought that it could do any good to see the mess behind the scenes, I've decided I need to be more honest so that nobody else out there is trying to hold themselves up to a fake standard and feeling bad that they can't achieve it day in and day out.
The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back was a blog post I read recently about this very issue. Of course, she has put it much more eloquently than I ever could, and on top of that she is a great example of keeping it real herself, but in hopeful and inspiring ways.
Anyway, all of this put together has inspired me to do something about it. So here goes. In case you ever thought I "had it all together" this is the view from where I ate lunch the other day.
Yikes.
Wouldn't this make a great still life? No, it wouldn't, and that's the point. You see, whoever came up with that oxymoron had a great sense of humor. Life. is. never. still. But this is what happens if mom sits still for too long.
I don't think it gets much worse than this.
I'd like to say I just had a bad week (which I did, and that's not uncommon), but honestly, I think those prints have been there for a month or two.
It's comforting to know that if I died, the baby could probably survive for a few days from what's on the floor. Maybe that's why he puts it there.
Now don't think that just because the cat's out of the bag I'm not going to shove stuff out of the pictures from here on out, but I give you this brief glimpse in an effort to make you all feel better about yourselves, and to help me be more humble.
It's all about context. Right now, at this stage of my life with small children underfoot making every surface sticky, bringing in pocket-loads of sand and dirt, losing toys and hiding "treasures" in the weirdest places, I cannot expect to have an immaculate house. If I tried, I would be a terrible mother and wife. I do believe that a clean home invites the Spirit, but I also know that when I let a clean home come become more important than my kids the spirit of our home is not a good one. It's an everyday balancing act. An exhausting one at that. All I can do is do my best.
Actually, scratch that last sentence.
I am personally not a fan of the phrase, "just do your best." I never promise to "do my best" because for me, that invites perfectionism. If I always did my "best" I would literally go crazy. I know what I am capable of and if I held myself to that standard in even one or two things in my life, everything would slip out of balance and I would fail miserably. So, as a personal safeguard, I'll only ever commit to "do what I can." And on those days when what I can do isn't as much as what someone else can appear to do, or even what I was able to do yesterday or last week, or when I was 20, I won't hate myself for it, but I'll keep working to improve just a little bit in every area of my own life and keep moving forward toward that "long-term goal" of perfection. That is really all that is required of us.
Also a word about guilt. Do I feel guilty for having a house like that (or for how much time I've spent writing this post)? You bet I do. I'm not throwing guilt out the window and embracing my messiness or bad habits or anything like that. There is a purpose and a place for guilt --to prod us to action and change. But if it makes us feel like less of a person, makes us too ashamed to interact positively with other people, discourages us beyond being able to function, makes us think we are unworthy to blog or even worse, unworthy to pray, etc., then it is a tool of the Devil.
So while perusing the internet, and especially during the holiday season, where there is so much around us telling us to do this or that, or even to do less of this or less of that, don't feel guilty about what you do or don't do. Don't compare yourself to others at all (easier said than done, I know). Let's just give it our all, leaving perfection for the long term, and focus on what's truly important for us at whatever point we are in our lives.
And finally, let's give each other a break by keeping it real.
(Although I am adding this much later, here is another great post I found about this very same thing. Everyone should read it.)
