New Year's Resolution: Getting Things In Line

I saw these clouds all lined up while driving through Idaho and had to take a picture.  Cool huh? 

I generally hate the word Goal. I actually don't believe in goals, because my experience with them has been such that in my mind the word has become synonymous with failure.  Goals are just something to eventually give up on.

Sounds really motivating huh?

I'm sorry, but I guess I'm easily discouraged, and so when I make a goal and things don't go as planned, it might as well have been a distant wish, and once the merest hint of failure creeps in, the goal inevitably and magnificently falls by the wayside.

So generally, the New Year holds no special meaning for me.  I'd rather not set myself up for such disappointment, so I generally don't set goals.  However,  this year I'm trying to look at it in a different way.

I don't know if I mentioned this, but last month I turned 30.  Yes, the big 3-0.  Actually I don't care that I'm getting older, the number is meaningless,  I am only a little saddened by the fact that I've felt 30 since I had my first child.  With that first pregnancy, I gained a lot of weight, and afterwards it didn't come off.  After my son was about 9 months old, and sleeping through the night --even sleeping in until 9 a.m., I was still so tired I found that it was all I could do to get up with him and lie on the floor next to him while he played.  I didn't think that was normal, but attributed it all to the weight, which I blamed completely on myself for having a lack of self control or something, and basically I was miserable and depressed. Isn't that so typical?
Anyway, shortly after that, I went to a doctor for a recurring cold, and was diagnosed with hypothyroidism.  Yada yada long story short, after two more kids and periods of almost feeling good enough to almost try and exercise, (and yes, I am being redundant on purpose) I've decided that the time has come for me to try something new.  Yes, I went to a new doctor, and yes I changed my meds, and perhaps he'll have one or two more things to have me change or take or do differently, but this is more than that.

Now this isn't your typical new year's resolution to lose weight, nor is it even a goal to stay off sugar for a year or something ridiculous like that.  This is a desperate, hit-rock-bottom-can't-go-on-like-this mid-course correction.

It involves not just focusing on my physical health, but getting my mental health and spiritual health in line as well.

You see, I am a pretty good mom (if I do say so myself).
I am an okay wife I think.  I take care of my husband pretty well.
However, I am a horrible self. I do not take care of me.  When I do, I feel selfish.  (The only thing that I do for myself is steal sleep, because when I'm sleeping, I generally don't feel the guilt... I guess. Oh, and blog occasionally, but I do feel guilty about that.)  My husband has so graciously given me a "day off" every other week or so, which consists of a few hours without the kids to get out and do whatever I want to do.  My last "day off" I spent getting the oil changed in our van. Does that tell you something about me?
Half the time I don't even realize that I'm doing it --shoving my wants and needs and interests aside not taking the time for things that would help me be happy, or feel good about myself, or to become better; and even if I do realize it, frankly, I just don't believe I have time for it (I have to admit I have never wanted to walk out of a relief society meeting more than when I went to a workshop about time management).  Of course, what results is me rushing around frantically, trying to get everything done, trying to be everything to everybody, and all-the-while resenting it, feeling picked on, or rather, like a martyr, hoping that someone will appreciate the sacrifice I'm making... and ultimately failing.  Oh yeah, and I try to make myself feel better by sneaking chocolate, among other things.
It's an unhappy existence to say the least, not to mention counterproductive.

I believe that if I could turn this around, I could be an awesome mom, and an amazing wife -- but I'm not going to strive for awesomeness; that's what I've been doing.  I'm not going to aspire to be amazing; I always fail.

This year, I'm going to focus on me.

I may feel like I'm a horrible mom, I may feel like I'm not taking care of my husband, (but I suspect that it will be good for them in some ways, and honestly, they will be taken care of. I'm not heading off on a year long vacation or anything).
But I'm not going to feel guilty about spending time on myself --whether it means saying no to sharing the shower with rambunctious toddlers just to save time, or perhaps splurging on some real running shoes so exercise doesn't have to be any more painful than it already is, and maybe I'll even get my hair cut more than once per year --and actually take the time to do it instead of twisting it up in a soggy mass with a clippy, hoping that it will somehow dry on its own and thinking that it doesn't look too bad.

Okay, it will take some time, but I will find better examples of how to take time for myself.

Not all of the "focus on me" kinds of things will be indulgent of course.  Some will be less comfortable.  For example, I will be making some minor changes in my eating and exercising habits, but ones that fit me, and feel natural.  Yes, I plan to make a habit of counting calories sparkpeople style, but I am also making it a personal goal to eat sugar every day (now that's my kind of measurable and attainable goal, ha!).  Ultimately, its not about being skinny, or looking better; it's about being healthy, and having energy, and enjoying life for once!

As far as the spiritual side of my plan goes, it can't just be a "goal" in the measurable and attainable sense of the word.  That is too finite --meaning with a beginning and an end; however, there is no end to spiritual growth, and spirituality is not measurable.  So like my "To Do"  v.s. "To Be," I am not making a goal, I am making a decision, a commitment; to be more concerned about spiritual things, to be a better disciple, to be more Christlike in my communications, be more faithful, patient, charitable, loving and kind... and if I want to be less vague, rather than list all the things I would have "to do" to achieve this, all I need is to think at any given moment, "Who am I?" the answer being things such as, "A person who... reads their scriptures, or ...does their visiting teaching, or ...is patient, or ...shows gratitude to heavenly father for their talents by practicing and blessing other people's lives with them...  etc." and making sure my actions are lining up with who I want to be, and who God wants me to be.

Over all, I'm going to work on being the best me I can be, and I think all the other things will fall in line.

Wish me luck.